Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
