Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
