everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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