dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
