Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
