my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
