I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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