Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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