Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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