It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
