Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
