John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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