I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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