I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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