how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
