it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
