im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
