There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
