Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
