Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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