That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
