how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
