I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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