Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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