The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
