i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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