my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
