I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
