Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
