I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
