just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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