Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize