I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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