We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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