im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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