P.S. I can't hear my feet
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
