I faked an abortion last night.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
