Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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