I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
