I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
