The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
