She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
