i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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