is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
