Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
