I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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