looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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