His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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