That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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