a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
there is glitter all over my balls
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
