Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
