I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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