note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
