I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
