I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
