She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
