I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
