Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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