You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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