I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
