That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
