Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
