I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
