After last night, I could never be a politician.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
