I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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