naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
