Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
