I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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